The past 5 months have been a struggle. My mind has been bombarded with negative and troublesome thoughts. I did not think about the direction or focus of my mind until about a month ago. The reason follows:
A job opened at work. The one position that is available in my department that would be considered a promotion. I applied. I understood from the beginning that I did not have the required two-year college degree, but I hoped that the combination of striving to complete a two-year degree, 15 years’ experience in the clerical aspects of education, plus being in the department for two years would make a difference and the committee would think outside the box. I was mistaken.
Understand that I was never upset with the committee. I was upset by the amount of disappointment I felt. I was not prepared for what I was feeling. I have dealt with being down hearted, sad, or my personal favorite description -1, but I can usually pull myself out of it rather quickly. This mind set was different. After two weeks of despondency, I knew “I” could not change my situation. I knew I had to have help. I dusted off my Bible and began reading. I also decided to re-read Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer. Slowly I am coming to grips with what must happen. My mind must be changed. I must consciously choose, through prayer, to stop the negative self-pity. I must begin thinking about what I am thinking about.
I kept saying, “I have to work through what I am feeling.” That was incorrect. I had to fully rely on God to show me what I need to learn from the situation.
I am still struggling and I must continually pull my mind back from the dark side, but I am calmer and happier than I have been in a long time. One example; Saturday is my cleaning day. I am sure your list is like mine, dust, vacuum, mop, laundry, etc. etc. I dislike going to bed on Friday, because of “The Saturday” list. However, this morning, for the first time in a very long time, I woke up and my first thought was, “Today I get to take care of my family.” I physically stopped and said, “Where did that thought come from?” I knew God had given me the gift of looking at today through new eyes.
I am unsure if I will continue my educational journey. I feel that I was trying to keep my mind busy with school, but I was only adding to the stress and negativity. For now, I am going to concentrate on the renewing of my mind. School in the Fall? Maybe, we shall see if that falls into the plans the Lord has for me.
Until then, I am planning on continuing this blog, but the topics might me somewhat different than what I had originally intended.
Those that follow me, I hope you will continue with me on this, my new journey.